Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Mystic Tan Mishaps!

I like to think of myself as being a fairly intelligent person.  Most days I function well, making smart decisions that affect, not only myself, but my family as well.  Today is not one of those days.

For those of you who know me really well or have known me for a long time, this will not be surprising to you.  I frequently make stupid decisions or put myself in stupid situations.  Let me see if I can think of some examples.

I remember being a pre-teen and going to the doctor.  I was beyond mortified when I was told I had to put on one of those paper-gowns in order for the doctor to do his exam.  That meant, I had to be NAKED!  The nurse and my mom stepped out of the room because, yes, I was so modest I could not undress in front of my own mother and, when my mom came back in the room, she found me clutching the gown to my body.  I was so nervous about getting undressed and putting the gown on that, when I put my right arm through the armhole, I ripped right through that sucker like I'd just turned into The Hulk.  And, then I did the same thing with my left arm.  So, I was basically sitting there with the gown covering my torso and my hands trying to hold up the sleeves.  Did my mom ask for another gown?  No, she laughed so hard she had mascara running to her chin...throughout the entire exam.

Then there was my first (and only) all-day spa experience, which really deserves it's own blog post.  Let's just say it was an equally embarrassing day featuring my breastfeeding boobs, the color purple, and a hand towel covering (or not covering) my hiney.  Its fine...go ahead and request it as a blog topic, if you really want to hear the story.

So, do you see what I mean about normal events becoming horrifically humiliating events in my life?

Well, read on to find out what happened today.

I am not a "tanned" kind of girl.  I am very pale and I burn easily, then I tan.  Unfortunately, the only places I seem to burn and tan equal the area commonly referred to as a "farmer's tan", especially if the farmer tends to wear short-sleeved V-neck t-shirts a lot.  I know that sunbathing and tanning beds are not good for you, which is why I have been interested in spray tans or "Mystic Tans" for many years now.  I don't want to be "bronze"; I'd just like to even out the tan I have on my arms (from mid-bicep down) and the deep V on my chest with the rest of my body...just a light "healthy" tan, nothing too fake looking.

I've known a few people who have gone the spray tan route and have had fairly good success but the main thing that has kept me from attempting it myself can be found in an episode of Friends.  You remember the one where Ross goes to get a spray tan and he misunderstands the directions and ends up getting sprayed 4 times...in the face.  Of course, he comes out with an orange face and there is nothing he can do about it until it fades.  EVERY time I consider getting sprayed, that is what enters my mind.  EVERY.  TIME.

Go ahead and consider the above paragraph as foreshadowing, ok?

I am having some professional pictures taken this weekend and they will be taken outside, so I thought now would be a great time to finally try out this spray tan thing.  Again, I want to look "healthy" not orange.  Even skin tone, not partially tanned.  I will also be spending the next few weeks at the beach and at the pool so I thought, a little tan would make me feel more confident in my bathing suit as well.

So, I'm in the room, talking with the helpful lady who works at my local tanning salon when she tells me that I need to wait 4 hrs, at least, before bathing.  Oh, and don't get in a chlorinated pool.  And, don't get in salty, ocean water.  Wait, what??  What is the point of getting a tan if you can't do those things?!  I explain to her about the pictures I am taking and that I, also, will be in ocean water, as well as, chlorinated pools next week.  She told me that I will be fine for the pictures but the pool and ocean waters will pretty much wipe out any spray tan I have.

I'm fine with this, since I mainly wanted to be tan for the pictures, but I honestly don't see the point of doing this very often.

The lady then shows me how to apply the protective cream to my hands and feet and then where I am to stand and how to hold my body while the spray is doing it's thing.  She tells me to push the green button when I'm ready and it will quickly begin spraying.  When it stops, I am to turn around and the spray will then get the back side of my body.  She also shows me these little nose-plug-things I can use so that I don't breathe in the spray.

I am usually a mouth-breather because I have a hard time breathing through my nose but I really don't want to breathe tanning fumes, so I choose to use the nose-things.

Ok, so I'm in the booth, standing the way I was told to stand, and I push the green button.  A few seconds later, I am bum-rushed with tanning spray and, guess what, I can't breathe.  It was horrible.  I couldn't take a deep breath with the nose plugs in and because of the spray attacking me, so I open my mouth to breathe and, of course, I'm now tasting the junk all over my tongue.

I am literally having a small panic attack when I realize the spray has stopped.  Then it starts again and I think to myself "Was I supposed to turn around already?  Maybe after this spray I'm supposed to turn around?"  I was so busy trying to calm down and breathe that, yes, I didn't turn around in time.  When I realized this, I quickly turned my back to the spray nozzles but then it stopped.  Like, stopped as in, it's over, thank you very much, get out, you idiot.  I was freaking out!  Not only did I just pay $20 for a one-sided tan but I just paid $20 for a double-dose one-sided tan!

Needless to say, I rushed home and immediately jumped in the shower, washing and willing the tan solution off my body.  So far, I haven't noticed any change to my skin tone and I hope it stays that way!

I know by tomorrow I'll be able to laugh about this but, for right now, I'm still trying to catch my breath!