December 15, 2012 my life was forever changed.
My husband, my best friend and my soul mate passed away.
It's now almost exactly 4 months later and I am facing yet another "holiday" without Scott. I made it through Christmas, our 15th wedding anniversary, both kids' birthdays, both of our mother's birthdays, my birthday, Valentine's Day, and Easter but tomorrow is different. Tomorrow is Scott's birthday.
I'm not going to lie, I've been dreading facing his birthday all week. The idea of celebrating his birthday without him is strange...and sad. It's yet another event that makes me realize what happened really did happen and I hate it. It sucks. Plain and simple.
But, I can't lay around and wallow. I have our precious children to take care of and I have myself to take care of, too. And, to be perfectly honest, I'm tired of crying. I should've run out of tears months ago but, yet, they still fall frequently. I imagine Scott watching me from Heaven saying, "Honey, cut it out! I've never seen you cry this much in all the years I've known you!" He's right but that's what you do when your heart has been broken.
I don't want Scott's birthday to be a sad day for us or for anyone who loves him. If he was still here with us, we'd be laughing and having fun. We'd be celebrating his life. Tomorrow should be no different. Yes, we are devastated that he is not here. Yes, it hurts. But, that does not mean his life shouldn't be celebrated.
Scott was full of life. People say that a lot when loved ones pass away but, with Scott, it was absolutely true. He put his heart into everything he did. "Go big or go home" should've been his motto because he never half-assed anything. From his RC cars to his computer games, his cigars to his beloved iPad-temperature-controlled smoker, he enjoyed life to the fullest.
Scott was the smartest man I've ever known but he never made me feel dumb. He irritated the piss out of me sometimes but he always made me laugh, even when I didn't want to. He loved to have fun and he always had a joke to tell. He made me feel beautiful, always told me he loved me, and whenever he was recognized for his hard work, he always gave me the credit.
I'm not trying to make Scott out to be perfect because he wasn't. He was perfect for me, though. We often talked about how obvious it was that God made us for each other. Scott would say it was because no one else would put up with him. I agreed. :-)
But, of all the things Scott loved, nothing compared to his love for his family. Scott couldn't wait to have kids and we would always brag to each other about how we have the best kids in the world. He loved Mackenzie and Jack so much. It breaks my heart to know that they have to grow up without Scott but I take great comfort in knowing that he was the best dad to them in the few years they had him. They miss him, of course, and we talk about Scott all the time. They know that he is in Heaven and that we will see him again.
One thing that really stood out to me in the midst of all the craziness that happened the first week after Scott died was seeing how people outside of our family reacted to his death. I've never seen so many grown men cry. It warmed my heart to hear so many co-workers, even people who haven't worked with him in years, say such wonderful things about Scott. I don't think he had any idea the impression he left on people. If he did, he'd just laugh it off and change the subject.
I'm so proud of Scott. I'm proud to be his wife, his partner, his biggest fan.
I'm thankful for Scott. I'm thankful for our 15 years of marriage and for our amazing children.
God blessed me when he placed Scott in my life and He has blessed me even during my grief. The kids and I and all of our family members have been completely surrounded by love, peace, prayers, and grace these last four months and I've seen God every step of the way.
Will I cry tomorrow? Probably, yeah, at some point. Am I crying now? Of course. But, I will also be celebrating the amazing life of the best man I've ever known. I think he deserves it.
So, cheers, to Scooter! I know you will have a wonderful birthday in Heaven, Honey.
I love you and miss you, just sayin'...